SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Two days ago, my brother received a message from a woman on Facebook who was inquiring about me. He asked her what she wanted, and she requested my phone number but refused to disclose her reasons. She insisted on speaking with me directly. The woman shared her name with my brother, but I had no idea who she was. I asked my brother to find out how she knew me. After contacting her, my brother informed me that she didn't have a personal connection with me but was aware of my girlfriend and needed to convey something important.

I decided to share my phone number with her through my brother. Roughly 30 minutes later, she called me. She explained that she couldn't talk for long because her husband would return soon. She had been trying to reach me for a week but couldn't locate me on social media. Eventually, she resorted to messaging people with my last name, and that's how she connected with my brother. She identified herself as the wife of a man whose name she provided, but I had no knowledge of him. She claimed that he works with my girlfriend and that they've been having an affair for nine months. At first, I found it hard to believe, but she insisted that she had evidence to support her claims. She requested to meet, and I mentioned I was away until Saturday morning and I could meet her sometime when I was back, to which she agreed.

Due to my work, I've been home for just three weeks out of the last nine months. This made me realise that it's entirely possible for my girlfriend to have had an affair without my knowledge.

I don't know what advice I'm looking for, but for the last two days, I have been researching the internet nonstop and came across this site.

I am sorry you are in this position. Its a great website for support but not the place you want to find yourself! I would recommend keeping this completely to yourself until you can meet this woman. If you confront now you won't see what the woman has to show you and you risk being gas lit by your partner.

It's unusual for people to do this out of spite but she could have made an error and got the wrong person. Once you meet and see the evidence take copies if it is your partner. Its worth asking the woman if and when she intends to confront her husband as this will no doubt impact your partners mood if it is genuine.

In the meantime have a read of some of the articles linked to this site and browse the boards. There are multiple ways this can play out but your healing has to be your focus

I agree with DDB. Do nothing until you meet this woman. If there is enough info for you to accept it as truth then, perhaps, the two of you coordinate when you confront.

I am so sorry this is what you have come home to.

I am sorry you are in this position.

I suggest you meet this woman and review her evidence. She sounds legit at this juncture so I would follow through with a meeting.

Get copies of what you need so when you confront your GF you have some hard evidence. Just in case she acts like many typical cheaters and lies about having an affair.

If I can make a suggestion, I would advise that you don’t ask her "are you cheating?" You tell her "I know you’re cheating ". It’s not a question. It’s a statement of fact.

Now recognize what she does next is important. You may hear the typical standard Cheater speech. Here’s a few highlights:

It didn’t mean anything (hmmmmm not so sure about that).

I only kissed him (which we all know is not true).

I never sent him nude selfies (often a lie as well) as the cheater tries to start deleting texts and messages.

I never meant to hurt you.

I don’t love him (despite what was in the text messages etc).

If she lies and gaslights and stonewalls then she’s adding more damage to the situation. If she’s at least honest and admits the affair then you may be able to figure out if your relationship can survive.

Please keep posting here. You will get great advice.

Also I would avoid the urge to "get even" if you truly decide to end this relationship. After 25 years I was very direct and calm with my H. I simply told him I had nothing left in me to fight for this marriage and he was free to be with the OW. And I left the room.

Don’t act like the cheaters. If you end it, it’s best to just walk away and move on. Avoid the drama. Avoid the fighting and arguing.

How entangled are you with your gf? Kids? Live together? Finances?

If you share banking accounts you may want to open new ones at a different bank under your name only and be ready to transfer your share of the funds to them after the confrontation.

Say absolutely nothing to your GF. Your stomach is likely twisting in knots so if she asks you what’s up just say you must have eaten something bad. Use that excuse to avoid intimacy for now. Use this time to think deeply whether you’d even want to consider R if it turns out the evidence is solid. If you’re not married and don’t have kids, my sincere advice would be to dismiss her.

Some here will tell you any betrayal and any relationship is salvageable but ask yourself what’s to salvage? If the betrayal happened, things will *never* be the same. Some folks are fine with that, and to each their own, but if you’re not married and have no kids etc., best by far is to send her to the streets.

Thank you to everyone who has responded. I'm sincerely hoping that the woman may have confused my girlfriend with someone else. However, my doubts are substantial because she seemed to know my girlfriend's full name, her workplace, and a few other personal details.

Currently, I'm away from home and won't be returning until tomorrow morning. My girlfriend called, and it was incredibly challenging not to mention the name of the OM. Somehow, I managed to keep my composure, but she sensed something was amiss and kept asking if I was okay. I simply explained that I was planning to turn in early since I'll be travelling back home in the morning and need to be up early. I've been attempting to sleep, but I can't seem to doze off. I've been reading stories here, and I'm bracing myself for the worst. Nine months is a considerable duration for an affair.

I didn't share much about our relationship in my previous post, but we've been together for nearly 12 years. When I met her, she already had a daughter, whom I've raised since she was two, and she now calls me dad. We share a very close bond. Although we live together, we maintain separate bank accounts.

If the allegations about her affair turn out to be true, I won't be seeking reconciliation. I understand that some people can work through such situations, but I'm not one of them. She's aware of this, and we've discussed it extensively over the years. My only concern is that she might use our daughter to pressure me into reconciliation. I hope she doesn't resort to such tactics, but I'm unsure of what she might do if she has indeed been having an affair.

Gambit,

Since it was a long affair, prepare yourself for every bad aspect of affairs.

From what you wrote about the BW don't be surprised if the OM is older, has had tons of affairs and his wife accepted what he does because she has no choice financially or has kids, but is now sick of it and wants to get off the affair bus.

Snoop as much as you can before you start asking questions.

If the OM is a superior report him to HR, threaten a lawsuit.

Do not have sex with your GF she may have STDs.

Tell her to write out a completely detailed timeline, take her for a polygraph.

Sorry you are here, but if there is a positive note, you found this site at the brginning of your journey. I found it after I had made many mistakes. There are incredibly wise members here and you can glean much from their advice.

Seeing the effort the OMW made in contacting you I think you should expect the worst.
Since you have already stated that confirming infidelity will be a dealbreaker and you won’t reconcile then I suggest you contact an attorney and learn about how to apply to the court for a child arrangements order. I think that’s the only way you can legally ensure access to the daughter.

The wife did you an incredible favor. Hear what she has to say.

I arrived home and found it difficult to act normally in front of my girlfriend. She sensed something was wrong, but I simply said I was exhausted from the drive. My daughter inquired about our usual plans, and I assured her we would, but it would be later than usual as I needed to go to the office and hand something in.

I messaged the woman I'd planned to meet, suggesting 1 p.m., and asked her to select a meeting place.

I arrived early at the place she mentioned, waiting outside for her. She arrived and proposed we find a table. I offered to get her a drink, but she declined. We engaged in small talk, and she kept apologising but emphasised that she wanted me to know the truth. We chose a discreet table at the back to avoid prying eyes.

She produced a folder from her bag, primarily containing printed messages along with pictures from July and August. However, she couldn't provide evidence for the full nine-month duration of the affair. She told me that her husband hadn't been followed the entire time but insisted it had lasted nine months based on a phone she had discovered.

She handed me the folder to look at. Initially, the phone number didn't match my girlfriend's, but the pictures left no doubt; they depicted her and the OM leaving his house. There were no photos of them at our place, but she suggested they could have been, but she had no evidence.

I didn't need to see everything; I had seen enough. I reassured her she had nothing to apologise for and thanked her. She mentioned she was divorcing her husband; she told me he has said he has had no contact with my girlfriend for the last three weeks and also left his job to prove he wanted to mend their marriage. She had little faith in reconciliation, given this wasn't the first time he'd cheated and his family never believed her last time. This is why she had been collecting evidence to prove he was a lying POS. She couldn't be sure if he had truly stopped, but she was done gathering evidence as she was committed to ending the marriage.

We discussed what I was going to do. I said I don't know; I thanked her and apologised for what my girlfriend had done to her family; and I promised to reach out when I confronted her.

After we left the place, I hopped into my car and called my brother to fill him in on the situation. We had a lengthy conversation, and there was a lot of crying. He kept asking what I was going to do. I don't actually know, but I can't go home. I'm too angry to go. I told him I was going to a hotel for a few nights. I asked whether he could look after my daughter for a few hours. When I do go home this way, I could have a private conversation with my girlfriend without our daughter being present. My brother agreed.

I'm currently in a hotel, and I've been going through all the messages. Most of their conversations revolve around making plans to meet up, and I've also come across several pictures they've exchanged, some of which I really wish I hadn't seen. I can't hold back the tears. I've read that some people find counselling helpful. Maybe I should consider it for myself; perhaps it could make a difference. However, right now, I'm not sure if anything can ease my pain. What I do know is that I can't return home until I've managed to have my anger under control. Normally, I'm not an angry person; I'm pretty laid-back and calm. My girlfriend keeps trying to reach me, though. She knows I'm in a hotel, just not the specific one I'm at.

Gambit,
I am so so sorry. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to go through that. Most of us experience more of a slow buildup of bad then worse then the worst news. You were forced to go from knowing nothing to almost instantaneous devastation. It seems a bit irrelevant that you aren’t married. Though I’m sure you will need to fully suss out your legal situation. No one would want to see her claiming some common law spouse status. The important thing is you’ve been together 12 years. It’s as strong as a marriage. This is going to hurt a lot. You probably think you already are experiencing that pain but there will be other phases to it. There is the immediate and then there are later equally intense waves.

I hope you get therapy. It is such a damaging experience that I fear without it you will come out more damaged and you don’t want that. I’m glad you’re set on leaving but as others will tell you that may change. At a minimum there will be moments of intently missing her and wishing you could have your old family back. I’m glad you have your brother "in the know". I told kinda everyone (except our kids) because the whole thing blew up in the middle of his workplace and i’m pretty happy with that decision. But everyone is different. I think most people are very selective with who they tell. I hope you stay here, everyone is very supportive. When they are tuff it really is because they care about you. Virtual hugs to you!

I am so sorry you are going through this.

You are already receiving great advice here. And thanks go to the OBS who had the evidence. So many BPs and BSes never get such proof. So in that aspect you are lucky.

In my case I made a phone call back to my house in the US from The Netherlands, only for a man to answer my Landline.....that's how I discovered I was being cheated on. The fallout from that phone call could be produced into a really bad dramatic miniseries.

Please refrain from any alcohol, and rely on that Brother of yours for support.

So sorry you're here. The pain of intimate partner betrayal is the worst.

I found counseling with a betrayal trauma specialist very helpful.

If you have problems sleeping or with depression, ask your doctor for some meds.

Is your GF aware that you know?
After all – it the OM ended the affair and left his job she probably knows his wife knows.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. I was somewhat hoping the other betrayed spouse (obs) was mistaken and it wasn’t your GF.

We all understand the pain and devastation.

What therapy can help you with is giving you a place to air your feelings and focus on YOUR pain. I think the trauma you are facing is significant and therapy could really help you.

If I can make a suggestion, I would advise that you don’t ask her "are you cheating?" You tell her "I know you’re cheating ". It’s not a question. It’s a statement of fact.

Now recognize what she does next is important. You may hear the typical standard Cheater speech.

Here’s a few highlights:

It didn’t mean anything (hmmmmm not so sure about that).
I only kissed him (which we all know is not true).
I never sent him nude selfies (often a lie as well) as the cheater tries to start deleting texts and messages.
I never meant to hurt you.
I don’t love him (despite what was in the text messages etc).

If she lies and gaslights and stonewalls then she’s adding more damage to the situation. If she’s at least honest and admits the affair then you may be able to figure out if your relationship can survive.

The above quote is what I wrote in a previous post. It may still help you to be prepared for the next difficult conversation.

Oh man I am so sorry for you to be in this situation. The experienced veterans here on this forum know the pain very well and we would not wish it on anyone. The intimate betrayal of your most trusted partner in life sets off a roller coaster of emotions.

You are wise to try to get your anger under control and not say or do anything you might regret or that could be used against you.

Please be aware that cheaters generally follow what amounts to basically the same behavior, both during an affair and also after being caught. First and foremost, they lie. They lie a lot.

However you will be inclined to want to believe their lies at first, because it takes a while to come to grips with the reality of who they really are and what they have really done to you. Your heart has to catch up with what your mind now knows. This is newfound knowledge that you just discovered that alters your reality. It is a complete shock. It is pain. It is trauma.

But your girlfriend will most likely say things to give you a different version of what happened, to minimize her actions, to deny things that happened, to only admit to what you have the ability to prove through evidence, and so on. What a mess. What disrespect.

Please be assured her actions have nothing to do with you. Cheating is always about the cheater. They have a character deficiency and a moral void. Oh they will try to blame you and gaslight you and tell you how if only you had done this or that or hadn't done this or that then maybe they would have been happy. Or that she was just lonely because you were gone so long and that's why she did it. Whatever.

You have been given a gift by the other betrayed spouse. You have evidence. But in my case what went on when my wife cheated was ten times worse than what little I cared to know about or find out about. I had enough proof to put the pieces of the puzzle together and see the picture of what was really going on. And then I had to accept it. And move on. My new reality does not include my ex-wife and has not included her for the last six years. But it was hell at first. And it took a long time to recover and move on from it. I laid in bed and cried. I called the suicide hotline. But I got through it. And you will too. Lean on us. We are here for you.

I want to say thank you to everyone who has reached out. I may not respond to each of you individually, but I want you to know that I've read all your messages. My brother has been a tremendous support during all of this. He went through a similar situation with his wife, but he chose to stay for the sake of their children. In my case, I've made it clear that I won't stay, and my brother mentioned that getting counselling isn't necessarily difficult, just that there may be a waiting list. I might consider paying for counselling to expedite the process rather than going through my doctor.

Bigger asked if my girlfriend knew that I was aware of the situation. She probably does, but she hasn't brought it up with me, and I haven't disclosed my knowledge either. It's unusual for me to stay in a hotel right after returning from a trip, which has raised many questions from her. I've mostly ignored her messages. Her behaviour became strange once I returned from my work trip, but she hasn't said anything directly.

I initially planned to go through all the information I've received, but it's simply overwhelming. I've come to the realisation that I don't want to continue the relationship with my girlfriend, and I don't see the point in seeing all the details.

I understand that I need to confront her about this, but I'm currently too overwhelmed with anger to do it effectively. I've decided to wait until I have a clear head, which might take a few days or so, before confronting her.

Betrayal trauma can kind of make you feel like your brain is scrambled. There's a lot of brain chemistry behind the scenes that is going on. When somebody says that they can't think straight, it really is true.

We talk about the emotional rollercoaster, and it can take you on some very bumpy rides. You have every right to be angry but be sure to work through the anger in a way that doesn't cause much damage. Some people take a baseball bat (or cricket bat) to old plates, freeze water in paper plates and swing away, get a punching bag, go work out, or whatever. I used to go out to my car and scream until my voice was gone. I lived in the country, so I'd go out and sit on the stoop with the dog and howl. Whatever is cathartic for you.