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We are past year one of Dday and things have been going well as WSd plunged head first into the work of healing himself understanding himself and taking care of me after this huge betrayal….one of the reasons , maybe the biggest reason I stayed is not just that I truly love him but to spare my young adult children the pain of watching their parents marriage of 25 years crumble. My family is my heart. I had a real awakening this weekend when I went to visit my 24 yr old son who is struggling. I now this is a difficult time in life- he has a great job and pays his own way- the issue is he is so "ugly" towards me. Waiting to pounce on any comment. I was excited to see his new apt and when I went in it was squalor- nice apt but dishes piled in the sink and filthy. He’s just been there a month. He wanted to go work out ( yes after we had an arranged time for our arrival) so WS and I said "sure, we will wait" and offered to help out while he was gone ….we had nothing to do. He immediately jumped down my throat for criticisms him ( when I just wanted to run the vacuum) and later said mean things to me like "you were only a good mom when we were young" . This whole scene just pushed me over the edge. I feel that I put my family first and am shocked what I have had to bear from them. I am not a wimp- I can stand up for myself. I also understand that at this age they "soil the nest" but this is unusually brutal and angry. My WS tried to mediate which makes me furious. Honestly we should have just left.

Im just feeling that it is so unfair that I am taking all this abuse- my WS, my son who has had everything given to him. I’m VERY low and having a hard time snapping out of this. I feel like I need to tell my son that he is no longer welcome here if he can’t manage his emotions. - It is so hard when I have worked so hard to keep the family together. WS did stick up for me but also— many things he has promised me are starting to fade ( he had stopped drinking but is now occasionally having a drink when out, said he’d start taking care of himself but the exercise and better eating habits have faded….I just can’t be the battery anymore for these humans — I feel crushed. I also am finding it interesting that I am focusing on WS in this also- which he probably thinks if unfair but I can’t help but see it when Im taking so much from my son also. I guess Im not early asking anything, writing is just therapeutic and I am just sharing here when I wouldn’t share this with anyone else. 😢 Im sad

Big hugs to you today. That is so hard.
I think our kids even as young adults tend to take things out on us when they are mentally struggling. It has been doubly hard to find understanding and space for that mentally since my WH betrayal, so I completely understand.
I have an almost adult child that still lives with us that has been extremely difficult to parent the last five years with a diagnoses of borderline personality and autism. She tends to blame me for every possible challenge that she has.
And it has been an uphill battle trying to get them mentally stable and moving forward in life. I have had to set very clear boundaries to what I will allow as far as treatment and our relationship has improved but it is so hard to not feel taken advantage of. I completely understand that feeling of pouring so much into your kids and spouse because that’s what you wanted, for it to feel like it has not been reciprocated in any way. Not even in loyalty or decent behavior.
I am coping by focusing on my own growth and interests more. I am upping my self care. Going on weekends alone to the beach. It still hurts. I’m still grieving what I thought my M was. But little by little I am improving. My WH has been very consistent and helpful since d day as well.
Just want to say I get where you are coming from when you are dealing with betrayal and then a difficult adult child. It really does pile on the hurt.

Edited for typos.

Satya Mom:

I truly truly understand where you are in this.

Also a betrayed spouse, also a young adult son who went through a loooooong phase of being very unkind and blaming me for a lot. We are past that. I distinctly remember also feeling like, "Really? This is my life? Me who actually happily did prioritize my family? Me who anticipated (I know that's not healthy now) and made life happy and easy for those around me. I'm the one who gets hurt by my spouse and my son? Really?"

We also had 2 apartment things where shortly after my son moved in different places, we went over and it was a disaster on all fronts: the convo, the apartment, the mood...I could have written your post.

You nailed it with you're tired of being a battery for these humans. I will be taking that phrase with me. Thank you for that.

I know you're not asking for advice and so I just want to say. I really really understand the depths of the sadness when a person feels like you do today. We were betrayed. We are trying to rebuild within the confines of the monstrous hurt and confusion. Add a difficult young adult child to the mix...it really makes you understand the people that head out into the woods to live in solitude. Lol but true.

[This message edited by ReconBrave24 at 3:41 PM, Monday, October 28th]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses…..Ive never had issues with depression until all this happened last year and today I can’t get out of bed….I really dont know what to do :( thank you for taking the time to listen

So sorry you are feeling this way. I totally understand. You feel like your own battery is empty enough, and then someone else wants to take even more.
Sending you healing thoughts and wishes.

I am not trying to make you feel worse, but in terms of your son…

I have three grown children, one younger than your son and two older. What I noticed about my adult children is they just want our acceptance. Meaning, if they are not neat (my oldest in particular is not) they want no confirmations of that from me. I have learned that if they want help they will ask (and they don’t ask). It’s a boundary that when I visit their homes that I treat it like anyone else’s home I visit- meaning only let the nice things you say out, and keep anything else to yourself.

I am not saying your son should treat you abusively. I am just saying that we have to take care of our side of the street too. I have had to learn the hard way they are no longer children and I have to accept them where they are. When they feel accepted by me there is no defensiveness whatsoever. It’s taken a tremendous effort to remember all the ways I did joy want my mom to interfere. I try hard to do nothing that actively parents then anymore. I fail at that sometimes but our relationship has improved dramatically. I don’t give advice unless they are talking to me about something but even then I leave it open ended to say "I know you will take everything in consideration and make the right choice for you."

My youngest is coming back home to live soon, graduating from college in December. I will have expectations of neatness in shared areas because it’s my home, but after they get their own to be hands off other than where I am requested.

All this to say - this is a normal power struggle, but I would definitely set boundaries and enforce the way I will and will not be spoken to.

My son is acting like nothing ever happened….he just texted me and asked me to send him something. Im so tired of being treated so badly and then "just get over it"

My WS also….I saw something on his computer he is not supposed to have…something he clicked on….which he says he immediately shut down but still- I found it….he didn’t tell me AND he taking testosterone injections because "the dr. Said it would make me feel better" in reality it is making his libido stronger— and there was no issue with us in this area, I am finding this problematic and triggering.

I am so sorry you are having a rough day/rough time. Most of us have been there. When our kids hurt us with their words, it certainly cuts deep. Take the day, rest, cry, lay in the bed with the covers pulled up tight, but when tomorrow comes get up and start our day fresh. Start the day with a morning prayer and go about your day. This rough time will pass. xo

"I am not trying to make you feel worse, but in terms of your son…". Hiking out….I said NOTHING about the status of his apt. He said he was running late so I said "what can we do to help while you are gone?" That’s it.

Fof9303- that’s the plan

Thanks for clarifying. I have had so many struggles myself over the years understanding new dynamics as they have grown I truly hope you know I was trying to be helpful. I have been surprised at some of the ways that what I do is somehow interpreted as critical.

Wow! I could have written so much in this thread! You’re doing everything you can (IC, right?) I have nothing to add other than I have had so many problems like this with my sons. And I’m thinking to myself how the fuck did I get here with shit relationships with everyone important in my life? Thank you for the phrase about being everyone’s battery. I’m going to use that now.
"When they feel accepted by me there is no defensiveness whatsoever. " I’m going to post this somewhere I see it all the time.
I just wish I didn’t give a shit as much and as often as I do.
Oxoxo

Sorry, also about the testosterone shots - you didn’t ask for opinions, so please ignore this if you like. I just think if it were me, this would be a massive red flag. And I would be 💯 triggered by finding something in his computer that he didn’t tell you about. I’m honestly just waiting for the day something like this happens to me. I’m seven months from dday and had no clue - still not checking his phone etc because I don’t see the point- I feel so defeated - he will hide it if he wants to.

Thx Dandelion- I have IC today. I’m a few yrs from home at a friends visiting for two nights and it’s given me perspective

My WS doesn’t tell me things because he’s afraid of how I will react … so he withholds , I find out, and then down I go. I hold on to hope and if I live in a bubble and go about my life and ignore stuff everything is great and the. Just when I feel comfortable something stupid comes up he doesn’t tell me 🙄and then he acts like "what?" As far as testosterone he says "the doctor suggested it might make me feel better so I took it..". Duh. Without really considering or researching or even talking to me. If he had I’d have said f it makes u feel better give it a try" But as soon as he started saying his libido was up ( when that hasn’t been an issue" my red flag went up. Then he did say he told his dr libido had been an issue in the past ( libido because he was drinking tons and watching porn- that was why his libido for me atleast was low). Anyway - this guy. Always a quick fix/gimmick. Never wanting to really look in the mirror

I am so sorry you are experiencing sadness at this time.

I have adult children and at a younger age than yours they were ungrateful human beings who felt entitled. We had ma y arguments and they NEVER did as they were told even in the little daily chores.

I remember once going to my son’s apartment and finding piles of dishes abandoned by him and his apartment mates on the kitchen counter and sink and huge bags of trash left on the floor, the toilet was so disgusting that I learnt after that time to stop on the motorway to pee but I never wanted again to go to my son’s toilet: it was disgusting! My husband and I that day loaded three dishwashers, cleaned the sink and took away the trash.

Was it right to do that? NOT AT ALL! That was a BIG MISTAKE! My son knew we were coming and he knows how much I clean when someone comes to visit to make them feel it is a safe and welcoming place to be.

I had to accept they valued things differently at the time. Now they are older and they take much better care of their home, clean, iron, prepare healthy foods, ask us for advice. That was their first experiment of independent life and wanted to experience the opposite of what they had been taught. Now that they are older (I have son and daughter) they realise how many of the things we taught them have a value and always dig deep to understand our background thoughts, they often take a flight to visit their grandparents, they show in every way how much they love and value our family heritage and traditions and us as human beings. But at the time when they were fighting them, it was hard to be around them. They were bitter and unfair.

What I am saying is that maybe, especially at this time when you are still grieving for the betrayal, you should focus on YOURSELF , your SELF HEALING, putting yourself first and you will see that everything will fall in its place. If you detach a bit from your roles of mother and wife, you will see how they will follow you more. Put yourself first, heal and become stronger.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 2:40 PM, Friday, November 1st]

….one of the reasons , maybe the biggest reason I stayed is not just that I truly love him but to spare my young adult children the pain...

This was a difficult lesson for me to learn because society teaches us that the appropriate response to infidelity is to leave, but truth is that most people don't leave. Whether they're happy or not with their choice is largely about working through the trauma and enforcing boundaries with their WS and other people. We don't have to defend our choice to stay, and even though many people won't understand it, the bottom line is that those people can't understand unless/until it happens to them. Some experiences in life don't translate to imagination, even if imagination is empathetic.

Like you, my children were young adults at the time of my fWH's infidelity. We talked a lot about how their relationship with their father was separate from his relationship with me and that I didn't want or expect for them to take sides. I'm a grown ass woman who can make my own choices, right? There's been some rough spots. My son for a long while would throw it back in my fWH's face any time they fell out. But... the kids eventually reach full brain maturity (which definitely helps), and we as parents are forced, albeit not without emotional pain, to set and enforce better boundaries.

A book which helped me strengthen my resolve was Unhealthy Helping by Shawn Burn. In it, she makes the case for why better boundaries actually help the ones we love.

You're still early in this whole process. It gets better. Try and give yourself some latitude. You're dealing with REALLY difficult stuff, and it feels messy because it IS messy. You're going to be okay in the long run. Trust yourself.