SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Despite the fact that you are still seeing the other man and refusing to break contact it is my fault for saying the marriage is over and we need to divorce! You not only abandoned me and destroyed our family and your career, but you're breaking up another family and leaving his two kids abandoned with no father, but I'm unreasonable!

I'm sorry I'm not okay giving you the space you need to "figure things out" knowing that you're a liar and a homewrecker who doesn't care about traumatizing children so you can screw their dad. Everyone else who sees what's going on and what a train wreck your life has become, they all just can't see how special your relationship is, and how you're justified and not like everyone else.

I may still have a hard time turning you down, but every day you make it easier and easier by being absolute trash. I'm going to get stronger and healthier without you, and you'll be the same pathetic needy narcissist you always have been. You may be making me suffer now, but I'll get through it. And in eleven years the alimony will be paid off and I don't ever have to give you another cent or hear your name again. That's still less time than I wasted having you in my life.

F valentines day

In response to an informational email I sent you about doing our taxes you wrote, "Are you happier without me?" and that's it??? Are you fucking kidding me? That's not even a real question! Am I happier with my life in disarray, my future uncertain, losing my "forever home," losing my intact family of 30 years? Or am I happier living with integrity, not dealing with you constantly telling me I'm not good enough while you have affairs on the side for the past 20 years, realizing that you were never the person I thought you were, giving myself the chance to have an honest relationship for the second half of my adult life?

What that question really means is that you are going to try to make yourself into the victim here. You pity yourself that I might be happier without you. I am NOT your emotional support animal nor your external hard drive any more. You are going to have to learn to fend for yourself and I am going to either live happily single or find someone who can love ME, not love what I do for them.

Fucker.

STBX just told me I betrayed him... ya know because he’s the real victim in all of this

I had a success at work which perked me up today. Then I realized I didn't have you to share these things with anymore

How could you do this...

Today it has been exactly 5 years since one of your affairs completely destroyed my life as I knew it. NOTHING is the same as it was back then. Because of you and the shame and embarrassment you caused, I no longer work in the same clinic, I don't live in the same house, I have lost friends, I don't even recognize my life anymore. You say you are working on yourself and for the first time EVER, I actually think it is true. But do you know what? It doesn't fucking matter. You destroyed the person that I was by your lying and continued cheating the last 5 years. That spineless woman who used to try so hard to be better for you doesn't exist anymore. And the broken woman that I now am doesn't want you anymore. So go to hell.

I just can’t take this. It’s so unbearable. How can you completely demolish a person without remorse? How could you be begging me back a few weeks ago and now be dating a 27 year old? Why do you insist on telling me how great I am, but tell me you don’t love me in the same breath? Most importantly, why in the fuck do I care? Why should your sleazy crap-ass excuse for an existence enter my mind at all? I fucking hate you for making me this way. You disgust me so much....but I disgust me more.

I remember in the early days of this mess DD30 suggested I write things down when I get stuck in an obsessive thought loop. It helped back then (wow...back then...was that really only 3 1/2 months ago?) and maybe it will help now.

My brain can't get past these ridiculous thoughts of you asking to come back and promising this will never happen again and showing total remorse for the pain you have caused. On the SI forum they call it hopium. I can't argue that it's addicting. The sad thing is, I know you are incapable of doing what it would take to reconcile. I mean, you couldn't even take the small steps that would have healed us while we were still together. Logically, I know you're still so far into the fog that you're not even trying to see your way out. Evidence abounds:

Blaming me - CHECK ("we weren't even having sex for months, what was I supposed to do," " are you saying I am completely responsible for all of this?")

Minimizing - CHECK ("it was only a few months" "I made some mistakes I regret but I can't change that.")

Deflecting - CHECK ("you should have quit that stressful job a long time ago")

And yet, here I am. Hooked on the hopium. Wasting another Sunday wandering the house fully immersed in what if.... (hey, what a great line! I should put that in a song)

Maybe if I outlined the things you would have to do to make this work, it will help me get out of the thought loop. Because logically, I know you would never....

...fully disclose. Disclosure is the first step to heal the betrayed partner, because otherwise they get this trickle truth that brings the original pain and puts them back to square one. And I'm not even sure I could handle full disclosure.

...find another job. If you think for one second I would be OK with you anywhere near that sick environment and that morally corrupt pincushion of yours, um, no.

...atone. Like, seriously, you're going to sit down with my mom and dad and own this? Apologize? Ask for their support in making our relationship work? And then do the same with all of our friends and all of our neighbors? Bahahahahah!

...get therapy and deal with your childhood trauma. We both know you don't go there.

...end all contact with the disgusting friends who supported "whatever you need to be happy," including my brother, all affair partners (obviously) and anyone else who isn't a friend of our relationship. You seem to think you can walk this line and have it all. But you can't. No one can. And loyalty to me, to us, was never high on your priority list.

Nah, none of this is going to happen. Let me see if I can salvage what's left of this beautiful Sunday.

Once again you are missing your children's milestones. Two huge life events for your adult children and they don't even want you to know.

Very sad you can't or won't make the effort. Maybe you should stop listening to people who benefit from you not having a relationship with your children.

[This message edited by hcsv at 5:40 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]

I get that your repeated questions are not about the actual object but just your anger at me divorcing you.

I get it.

I just don't care.

Talk to someone else.

Sometimes my rage and hurt and anger get the best of me and I want to call you up and scream at you, drive over to your house and rampage your yard and beloved truck, call all your new and old girlfriends and your boss and tell them what a POS you are. Call u endlessly and hang up.

What I want, I think, is for your to say sincerely, I was wrong. I hurt you. You didn't deserve that.

But I know now, finally, that no matter how "right" I am, no matter how you betrayed me, no matter what you ever did, all that will do is make me look crazy.

[This message edited by Clarissa124 at 9:01 AM, March 4th (Wednesday)]

Sometimes I have a real need to message you, just to tell you a few home truth’s

No matter what happens our kids will never let you back into their lives completely,

No matter how much you try you can’t wipe out all the hurt & pain you caused all of us,

No matter what you do or where you are you won’t ever have what I have,

No matter where I am or where I go, you will never know how much more I have in my heart & my life,

You lost control of me but I gained so much more than just my life, I gained my freedom to be & do whatever the hell I want!

I don’t envy you, I don’t love you & I don’t hate you,

I just don’t feel anything for you.

Mostly I’M NOT SCARED OF YOU ANYMORE

I’m stronger than you ever gave me credit for!!!!!

If walking into my room at midnight with a sample jar of urine wasn't weird enough, the petulant subliminal begging for my attention and sympathy was pathetic. I'm sorry that your kidneys hurt, and I'm sorry you had to sit in the ER for a few hours, but ya know what?

You fired me from the position of 'supportive husband.' You outsourced my sympathy to your Texan fuckboy and his walrus whore. I'll do what i need to make sure that my children are taken care of, but if you want me to hold your hand while you go through another bout of surgery and antibiotics, well... I'm not helping you through this. You wanted to do this all on your own, you say you've been doing it on your own forever, well, it's time to do it all on your own.

After all, according to your shitty lies, that's what you've been doing from day one, so.. do it. You don't get to have the benefits of being single AND the support of a husband anymore.

I know it's been several years since you've spoken to your kids but Gdammit, contact your kids. This is a scary time.

Find out if they're ok, if they've lost their jobs, if they're going to be able to pay their rent or buy food.

Your silence and selfishness continues to astound me.

Still waiting. Now my court date for settlement conference most likely pushed out. The date is for April 20, the week of my 65th birthday. Living in the same home on some days is unbearable. Maybe I should write a book. Thank God for SI.

bump

Today, I feel the need to talk to you. I feel this way most days and it is generally a struggle. I miss the memory of being a family. I miss the banter, the hugs, and tender moments. I miss the feeling of having someone there for me. That is All gone now. I avoid you, I am scared to bump into you, I worry I might see you with someone else. We are in the thick of legal battle now and this just blows my mind. We were so in love, so connected, so I thought. How we ever got to here is nothing short of crazy. I want to blame your alcoholism, and believe me I do, everyday. How about your cheating and the character assasination, the frivolous spending of our hard earned money, the lost time, the fear, worry, lonliness and anxiety. Problem is, I only see you in the good light, I ignore all the bad and just see you, sitting across from me, telling me you love me. That is what I see. It is AGONY to see how far our relationship has deteriorated and how the family unit is destroyed. I am mad you never fought for me, like I fought for you. You tell me that sleazy line, that why should I be rewarded for just, "hanging in there" with you throughout your drinking years. EXCUSE ME?? Hanging in there? Maybe what you are saying is that you have no respect for me, because I hung in there and took a shit kicking from you and how can you respect a man that would allow that? MAybe that is true, I was not respecting myself? But I did, I did hang in there with you....loving you and yes, lecturing you and getting on your back. But I was there when things fell apart and gladly put the train back on the track only waiting for the next derailment. Why would you just not respect me!!! I was a great partner before the drinking. Why do you have to disrespect me now? When life was settling down, we had careers, money a house, a child!!!!??????? And now you parade around like such a fucking queen, now you are co courageous that you have put down the bottle....and people look at me like I am crazy for being so difficult with custody of our child. I am so upset, so overwhelmed. This is just shit. Some days I walk thru life in a complete fog. Sometimes looking for you, sometimes hopeless that you are gone forever and sometimes just resigned to the fact that this is my new life. I DIDNT WANT THIS!!!!!!!!

Another milestone you are going to miss because of your choices. Your son is going to be a father. You werent invited to the wedding, I wouldnt feel too confident that you will ever have a relationship with your grandchild.

This makes me so incredibly sad, it wasnt supposed to be like this.

3 years since I filed for divorce and you are still f-ing me around. Mediation and a court date next month. I am looking forward to the end of life as I knew it. I will be much better off.

You utter bastard. You left us and then returned 7 times asking for forgiveness over 3 month period. when you left the 7th time you moved in with your skanky home wrecking AP. 3 weeks later you called me, i've made a mistake you said - again - can i come home. Only if you are sure i said, don't want DS to go through this again. I'm sure said you.

2 weeks you were here you utter piece of shit. The day before you left for the 8th time you held my hand told me you loved me and would never do this to me again. The next day you admitted to still being in contact with AP and left AGAIN. you are the biggest monster and shithead i have ever had the misfortune to know in my entire life. You piece of scum