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I miss your children so much. But I don’t think I miss you any longer. I cried so hard tonight I could barely catch my breath but I do not want to call you anymore.

You broke my heart. You broke my trust. You broke my faith in you. But you will not break me. I will not allow that.

I have so many friends looking out for and after me. You have no one. I may be lonely right now but I am not alone. I know I can look at myself in the mirror and while my eyes might be puffy from crying, I see a true, honest, loyal person looking back at me. A person who did the right thing, who gave you so many chances to redeem yourself but who valued her own self worth enough to walk away. My heart might be broken but at least I can look myself in the eye knowing I acted with integrity.

All you see when you look in the mirror is a liar & a cheat. You see a person who didn’t give a damn about the pain they inflicted as long as what they were doing made them feel good.

I know which person I would rather be. And I now know who I can absolutely live without.

You don’t deserve me. You never did. It’s just taken me a while to realise that.

Hey girl. I think I'm finally over you. You might have been pretty. You might have presented yourself as everything i ever needed.

But you were full of shit.

And it couldn't be clearer to me right now.

It did take me 13 years to figure it out. But at least I get to have this moment of clarity.

If it was up to you i would never get that.

Thank the baby jesus that I never got that deep down this particular rabbit hole.

You are the definition of inauthentic. You can't even understand the word.

I am authentic. Despite all my flaws.

I'd pick being me over being you 100% of the time. I actually feel a small amount of pity for you. And a large amount of pity for the guy who is replacing me. He's in for a bit of a shock, about 10~ years from now. Poor dude. He probably doesn't deserve it. But also FTG.

I guess I picked my own plot to live in and he is doing the same thing. LOL.

I actually don't blame you for all my problems. I own my shit. I did pick this.

But my daughter never picked anything. That's the thing I'll never forgive you for. She is a blameless and innocent bystander that got sucked into the vortex of shit. And I'll do everything to protect her and nurture her as long as I can despite your FOO bullshit.

Fuck you.

OFF TOPIC: I wish we had a "like" button to push for all of these!!!!

Like button, i would wear it out!

Despite all the pain, all the tears, all the heartache, despite logically knowing that you will not be over her and this is the end, I can't help having the lingering hope. The longing for the time right before all of this began. The pure happiness, innocence, and love we had one short year ago.

I want more than anything to hear you've decided that you want to make this work. That you've found clarity that this is what you want. Us is what you want. That you could be and are happy to commit again. That you will continue to work for us, through all of this.

But, realistically, I know that you won't do this and you are going to leave me for her. Since you won't even fucking tell me what is going on in your mind. What you're leaning towards. What you want. The fact that you won't face the reality of everything and are curious about exploring your feelings AND having the security of a devoted, loyal wife to you.

I'm so sad that though I sacrificed so much of my life to make us work (moving across the country, turning down my own relationships with people who I could have been with), even though I chose us again and again, the moment it was convenient for you, the moment you could have talked to me, to work on us, to just let me know what was going on - you lied, gaslit me, and chose good times with someone else. You threw away everything we had. You chose to turn away from us.

And now I feel like I have nothing, but I still want us and I feel even more worthless for wanting that.

Walked into my bedroom last night when you were talking with your POSOM on the phone through speaker. You wanted me to knock to come in and I will not do this since this is my house and you are living here rent-free. This is unacceptable since it is not only disrespectful to me but also to the kids.

You invited your POSOM into my house, my safe space. How dare you!!!

Every time you speak with him in my presence the emotional trauma gets worse and twists the knife even deeper but you discount my pain because you feel entitled to your affair. To you, I’m not allowed to feel pain and the betrayal of my supposed best friend of 20 years. You destroyed my boundaries and I had to speak up, yet you will not listen to me and accuse me of talking in circles all the time. Tired of being called names when I stand up for myself. I’m not the one talking in circles, you are.

I cannot wait for you to leave so I can start healing. I’m tired of the gaslighting and lies upon lies. I will never be responsible for your affair no matter how much you try to put it on me in order to feel better about yourself.

Hey, can you not parade your adultery in front of my nephew? He is just learning how to be a man, and he needs good examples.

It's bad enough his own father has modeled this behavior and now you have to do it too? I know your circle of friends is limited now that you've chosen the cheater lifestyle. And I understand my POS brother is one of the few you can double date with. But can you draw the line at including the kids?

He is an impressionable young man who needs to see healthy, honest, trusting relationships. His dad's relationship came from infidelity. And your relationship (if you can call it that) is the pure definition of infidelity (yours and hers). This is not what good young men need to see.

Were you trying to deliberately hurt me, knowing it would get back to me through my nephew? Did you think I would be surprised and hurt that you kept the boat from me so you could take her out on it? Well, frankly, it helps my healing to have these reminders of who you are. Reminders that...

-my sad excuse for a brother, whom you don't even like, is the only person you can find to hang out with

-your AP has so little integrity and self worth she is OK sitting on my boat with my young nephew whilst lying to her own husband and daughter about where she is

-you are so desperate to make your "relationship" legitimate, you'll engage in obviously stupid behaviors

-you are not a good man. A good man would find this appalling

Please stop including kids in your double dates. It's wrong, it makes you pathetic, it only making me stronger, and relieved to be away from you.

Aunty I passed away last night. Just like with my Nanna, you were with me when I last saw her in December. Another one of my relatives who loved you. Loved the fact that you loved me. Or so they thought.

Another person who is now gone and you won't know. Would you even care, even if you did?

I'm just numb at this point. Why is it that when my Mum called me to tell me, my first thought was the fact that I wouldn't be telling you? You used to be my rock. Now you are my anchor.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 9:13 AM, August 6th, 2020 (Thursday)]

Why must you sit there and try to engage me in conversation, like I give a shit. Do not talk to me unless its about the D or kids. I do not love you anymore, after all that I have been through with the lies and gaslighting you do not deserve me. Just leave already and get out of my life because I'm trying to heal. I deserve a much better woman and I will find her.

I feel as though I'm breaking apart inside. I can't stop crying. The losses are unbearable. I hate hate HATE the fact that all I want to do right now is have you hug me.

I have to learn to get through it without you. I have to remind myself that you really don't give a shit about anyone but yourself. I have to go through this alone because of your selfishness and entitlement and the fact that you preferred the ego kibbles of a married woman from the internet to a true and loving relationship with me.

I will get through it alone. I have to believe that. But tonight, holy crap, I just want you to hold me.

OOL,

I SO UNDERSTAND YOU.

Accept my virtual hug though I know it is not the same as the person that we loved for so long.

I miss those hugs too. :'( we can do this <3

[This message edited by betrayedafter20 at 9:10 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

B&B - are you kidding me??? I am so angry for you!!! double dates? disgusting. I'm sorry. :(

((Bent&Broken))

So you were here again today. Day 9 in a row.

All I could think of is that maybe you could want us again. I bit my tongue so hard to stay silent. I don’t want to be strangers. But that is where we are heading. I can’t be your friend. I need you too much.

It makes me sad.

I went on a lunch date. And I felt I was cheating. How is that.

Today I don’t think I am ready to date. I felt married. And you coming here makes it harder.

Stop hurting me pls.

How can you say you want to be in the kids lives when it’s sometimes days between you even asking to FaceTime them. How can you take the precious and limited time you have with the one kid who will see you and spend it with her there too? How can you have gone months without seeing, hugging 3 out of 4 kids. Why don’t you simply text «  I love you » not I would appreciate a response....you are being rude . To them?

How can you question giving me money for bills, food for your kids when you are spending like a irresponsible teenager?

How can you have slept with her in our trailer....the trailer we went on family camping trips with for 14+ yrs? How is she ok with that? What kind of a fucking person is this? Who the fuck have you become?

Why am I still shocked by your actions? Why does it make me so sad? Is it my sadness, or is it sadness for what you are doing to the kids?

I pray you fucking wake up and realize the damage you have done.

What a fucked up mess you have made of my life. I hope you have enjoyed doing that. I don't think you are really going to enjoy what comes next.

Whatever is inside of you that makes you such a twisted, evil psychopath is eventually going to destroy you.

I hope I'll be so far away that I don't even get the karma update. But since we have the kid, I'll probably learn of it.

And it won't make me happy then. Just sad for you probably. Not too sad, just a little.

I hope you never turn your evil on her. She is better than that and better than you will ever be. And I will always fight for her with every ounce of strength I can muster.

You are the worst kind of poison.

Yesterday afternoon you were cleaning out the closet getting your things ready for trip # 3 to POSOM. Our DD got a hold of the box of pictures, our box of pictures that told our life together. There are so many memories in there, of us when we first started seeing each other. The notes to each other and the letters from deployment, I kept all of those. I looked at them and tried not to cry because I was in front of our daughter and did not want her to see my pain. I want to think I'm getting over everything but then it smacks me in the face again and brings me down to earth. I'm trying to stay strong for our kids but they see the pain in my eyes and I don't want them to see that. It's heartbreaking that I know that I will never get to hold you again or touch you.

I didn't ask for any of this. It's up to me to weather this storm and come out the other end looking and feeling better because I know in my heart of hearts that there is a woman out there who will love and cherish me, unlike you.

Hey shit head,

After the kids all went off to college I wanted to go back to school. You said I was too old and it wasnt worth it.

In the three and a half years since the divorce, I have gotten a CNA certificate, an LPN license and today, at 61 years old, I found out I passed the exam for my Registered Nurse License.

I've been in school year round for three years and it was incredible. I found out who I was when you're not in the picture and you know what? I'm fabulous and it was worth it and I WASNT TOO OLD.

Beware, some day I may be your nurse, BWAHAHAHA.

Im so fucking angry.

But not at you.

At myself.

For still allowing you a fucking place in my head.

Get the fuck out!!!!!!

I don't need you.

I don't want you.

I don't find you useful or comforting.

I don't find you attractive.

You're not intelligent.

You're not nice.

You're not supportive.

You're not a good parent.

You're not a good person.

Get the fuck out. I banish you. Please leave as soon as possible. Please move far away.

The you in my head is the faint ghost of a person that did not exist in reality.

How can that continue to hold me hostage??

I give you (the ghost) permission to die. I mourn your loss. I put imaginary flowers on your imaginary grave. I decide not to visit anymore and move on with my life.

Goodbye.

How dare you through this process you keep blaming me for giving up on the M. How did I give up when I endured every piece of shit flung at me and still carried on for the M and for the kids. I did my best struggling after D-Day while you carried on in the A. You broke NC and kept seeing her so many times yet I still hoped for the best. After False R I was wailing from the pain. How could someone watch the person they love wittle away. How did you watch me suffer and STILL continue the A. Then when I was so broken about it you told me that no one cares to hear about it anymore It is my fault that I chose to keep going back for more. I didn't want to believe you were this kind of person yet here we are.

You blamed me for your A. You blamed me for not taking care of your needs when I was working full time raising kids and you didn't lift a finger to help. You only complained about your needs while staying out late every night claiming you were working.

I am tired but not broken. I will not let you destroy what is left of me. I will be like thePhoenix and I will rise from the ashes much stronger and more aware.

I hate you. I don’t think I truly have before but right now I really fucking hate you. I am so angry that if you were in front of me I would be screaming at you for all I’m worth.

How dare you. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU. I love those children like they are my own. My own. But your selfishness and complete and lack of utter respect and humanity means that because they are not my own, I lose them. Fuck you. Those children deserve better than you. I always thought you were a good dad. But you are not. A good dad wouldn’t have done this. A good dad would have considered his kids before getting his rocks off with a pathetic, attention grabbing married woman. You are the worst kind of father. One who pretends to be all noble and sacrificing because of what your ex put you through, but the truth is, you are no better than her. Putting yourself own needs over that of the kids. What kind of fucking example is that.

I will be in the kids lives as long as they want me to be. Because I love them. And they love me. And I will do what is right by them.

I will never forgive you for this. Never. My last feelings of love and caring for you have gone. You are not worth it. You were never worth it. You never have been and never will be worthy of me, of my love. Fuck. You. FUCK. YOU.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 9:34 PM, August 14th, 2020 (Friday)]