SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My PI caught WS and AP out to dinner looking like a happy married couple. When I sent these to my WS and the AP's wife, it blew up their plans (which is great!). The APs spouse went ballistic, caused the AP so much stress that night that they cut their evening plans short.

Amazing how things change when the AP's life is put under duress...but I did notice you contacting your wife didn't change these plans

My WS came home as planned the next morning, but I'd left and taken my kid to our friends for the day and night.

So, her plans never changed...

Next morning, my WS did a 180. Like the reality of her choices finally set in. Said she wants to fix this, she cut off the AP and ended it, etc etc

No, the AP ended it, or paused it since his wife is going to crush him in a divorce. Since he is older the assets are probably more substantial or at least important to him.

She proved to me that she did at least end it, but I'm so doubtful it'll last.

I wouldn't trust your WW in any way, she didn't end it. Her behavior is beyond insulting and shameful.

She has made a real effort these past few days, but the trust is just so broken. I'm not sure what to do going forward, to be honest.

What effort? seriously spent the weekend with the another guy after being confronted and gives you a hug or a kiss. Get you're yourself an attorney and at least prepare for the surprise that is coming.

Hiring that PI was such a great move. Think of how much more of an upper-hand you now have due to that evidence? And you now know for sure that she was never planning to end it. Get an attorney and tell him to go full shark.

Don’t really see how the PI evidence gives any upper hand going forwards.
However… What it did give is the conditions we predicted:

When you share the news with OM wife… In about 9 out of 10 instances the OM responds like your wife did: Save-the-marriage-mode.
That often includes a NC letter or that he completely shuts off your wife. Somehow being told to get lost by the man who promised you everything is a great libido-killer. It ramifies the shallowness of the infidelity-relationship, and emphasizes what she was risking for such a low payoff.

So your wife’s boyfriend dumped her, and now she comes back to you.
Didn’t we sort of predict that?

I think there is an above average chance that your wife intended this rendezvous as her last… That after this she was willing to sacrifice her life’s happiness (OM) to be with you in order to save her family.
However… It’s a lot like the alcoholic that recognizes he has a problem and is going to attend his first AA meeting this evening, but decides to have a last drink, a last binge and to stop by the bar on the way to the meeting. The will is honest – but the intent or mentality to see it though isn’t there. Any experienced recovered alcoholic will share that those that arrive at their first meeting this way don’t stay sober. Just like I can more-or-less guarantee that the intention of one last fling won’t end her affair.

Now… It’s your call if you decide to believe she’s on the wagon or not. If it’s only a waiting period until this prediction pans out:

The typical see-it-all-the-time reaction to d-day is that your wife says the affair is over, let’s her lover know that you have found out and they both agree to end things. Only… three weeks from now OM starts feeling safe that his wife isn’t in the loop, he has an upcoming trip to a conference near your town and an ever-growing bulge in his pants. He might send your WW an innocent text: "How are you?", and your wife responds… and then it goes from there.
Two weeks later your wife says she needs to work late, and next day you notice her vehicle recently filled gas-tank is near empty…

Don’t take her word for it. Make her show with actions that the affair is over. Those actions include things like total openness, accountability, IC, no blaming you or the marriage….

She said she ended it...yet she's said that before..and they simply went underground.

You sent her the pics, she knew she was caught. She was with him. They had plenty of time to devise a fake nc message. You have zero reason to believe her.

She's been trying for a few days? Love bombing isn't trying. Tears? Those are for herself.

If you decide to attempt reconciliation..at minimum you need to require...

NC. She has to get a new job.

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

She answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness. And zero blame.

She gets therapy to figure out why she cheated.

She is proactive in healing the damage she has caused you, herself, and the marriage.

She writes a complete timeline. You schedule a polygraph,and base your questions off the timeline. One question being,is there anything you are withholding, that you didn't include in the timeline? And, did you take the affair underground, after the pi caught you.

Std tests.

And anything else you need to begin to feel safe.

Do not share this site with her.

She has made a real effort these past few days, but the trust is just so broken. I'm not sure what to do going forward, to be honest.

I'll give you some similar boilerplate to others.

1) Complete electronic transparency. All passwords, all accounts, all devices. You can't play marriage police forever, but you are going to have to do it for a little while.

2) Complete written timeline of the affair, polygraph to confirm.

3) No contact with AP, new job if necessary to achieve AP. Let me tell you from experience this is basically non-negotiable. I white knuckled it for a year on "work related only" contact and it was torture, and resulted in at least one break of the NC agreement.

4) I have read dozens of books, and I most recommend two books, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.

5) Individual therapy for both of you. I highly recommend you find someone with "betrayal trauma" specialization. No marriage therapy until you are pretty sure she is being honest. A bad MC will assist in blameshifting and retraumatize you.

6) Speaking of blameshifting, expect a few other typical crimes in the post DDay cheater's handbook. Marital history rewriting, rugsweeping, minimization, continued lying, and catastrophizing.

Most of my boilerplate has been immortalized as an article in the healing library:

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/three-years-(and-a-day)-what-I-did-to-reconcile/

I think https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/ is a good read fir BSes. It documets what a WS who really wants R does; a BS can compare what their WS is doing to the ideal.

One thing that I haven't seen stressed is that honesty is absolutely essential to recovering from an A. Honesty may not lead to R, but it will lead to authentic living.

Your wife does not Love you if she continues the affair.

It’s proof she only loves herself.

I think https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/ is a good read fir BSes.

A word of caution..if you decide to c/p that,and send it to her, make sure you edit out anything that would lead her here. This is your safe place. Bringing a freshly caught ws here tends to be a disaster.

Many new think they're the exception. Very rarely is that the case.

alphabet100, your WW is NOT sorry. She is only sorry OM dumped her. Don't be her Plan B.

D all the way!

She has made a real effort these past few days

Beware of the hopium pipe, my friend. A narcotic most often abused by desperate BH's. The drug of the beaten-down.

What most BH's hope for, wish for, desire more than anything is a return to the "before time", to the marriage you thought you were in before you discovered your WW's infidelity.

The hardest truth to learn is that this marriage existed in your imagination only. The real marriage you were in was with a liar, a charlatan who was acting a part while having an affair with another man. That, my friend, is the same marriage she is offering you now.

She is not "making a real effort." In fact, she's not making any effort at all.

What is real is that your mind is terrified of taking the step you know you must take, and therefore it is twisting itself into knots in an effort to trick you into believing that she is making an effort.

My friend, the sooner you can open your eyes to your reality, the happier you will be. I guarantee you that, when you are 70 and looking yourself in the mirror, your 70-year old self will remind you that every day you dawdled in terms of advancing your divorce was a wasted day that you'll never get back.

I came here to say what BFTG just said above.

Reading this thread, I fear that you’re susceptible to smoking on that "hopium pipe". Having so much at stake, of course you are.

You’re in the bargaining stage of grief, extreme grief. You’re going to phase back and forth from denial-to-anger-to-bargaining. Denial and bargaining will compromise you and make you susceptible to manipulation. WSs are master manipulators. For example, she’s sitting right across the romantic dinner table from her AP while simultaneously reassuring you that she’s not in contact with the AP and will be home soon to save the marriage. Then, she has the gall to tell you she broke it off from him when actually he broke it off from her so that he could run home and extinguish his dumpster fire.

Here’s some of the more common WS manipulation tactics you might encounter:

-Love Bombing

-Sex Bombing

-Blame Shifting

-Minimizing

-Baseless claims and promises (that lack action)

-Begging

-Victimization of self

-Denigration of self (to a pathetic extreme)

-Waterworks (deluge you with tears and snot)

-Suicidal threats

-Threats of legal action

-Rallying peer support (friends and family)

-Silent Treatment (becomes despondent)

Recognizing these tactics, expecting them, will give you a tactical advantage.

Anger: I need to mention the anger phase of grief. Anger can be extremely useful, motivating, if harnessed and channelled correctly. Be careful not to act in anger. Don’t let anger compromise your judgment or your dignity.

Be calm, cool, collected and professionally indifferent (as in The 180) when dealing with a manipulative WS.

Fear: You’re going to experience a lot this in the coming days. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being alone. Financial fear. Fear of peer judgement. Fear of failure. It’s ok to feel fear, like anger, just don’t make decisions based on fear, or unbridled anger. Fear can be paralyzing and make you act in desperation.

Remorse: Do not rush to determine remorse. You won’t be able to determine if she is truly remorseful for some time yet. Only after consistent and progressive actions proven over much time (like >8 months) can you BEGIN to get a sense of remorse.

I’m really impressed with how you have taken action and advice here so well, so soon, on the horns of this dilemma. Your actions so far make me optimistic that you will survive this well.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:21 AM, Friday, March 29th]

alphabet100,

In the same post you say

My PI caught WS and AP out to dinner looking like a happy married couple. When I sent these to my WS and the AP's wife, it blew up their plans

and

My WS came home as planned the next morning...

She proved to me that she did at least end it...

The assertions in the two quotes above cannot both be true at the same time. She literally just returned from a planned affair trip with her infidelity partner that was disrupted only because you blew the whistle. So how in the heck did she prove to you that she ended the affair?

She has made a real effort these past few days

Per your own words, the main "effort" made by your WW in the past few days was a planned out of town tryst with her lover. Wake up man!

I'm going to chime in and say be cautious. After DDay1 my WH sent his LTAP a NC message he shared with me. Yadda...yadda...yadda they went underground.

Stay vigilant. Stay strong. You've been given good advice. If your WW balks at any of it - you will know where you stand.

She may have made you Plan B. You are under no obligation to accept that role.

Just wanted to confirm everyone was right. The AP really has a grip on my WS emotions.

We "tried" for not even two weeks before the AP called and my wife talked to him. Then that night she's back to the "I don't think it's gonna work out with us" rhetoric.

I just can't believe she's ruining everything we built together for essentially... nothing.

At least for know and accept the truth, painful as it is, nothing is worse from my experience than not fully understanding the situation.

It may be best to deal with her in a different manner going forward, that of an adversary who does not have your interests or well being in her mind.

I think you know where you stand now. She is not your partner, she isn't your lover... hell, she isn't even acting like a friend. You've done all you can do, so now it's time to call an attorney and file so you can take care of yourself and your future because you know she won't be looking out for your best interests, she'll be looking out for her own.

The AP really has a grip on my WS emotions.

This make it sound as if this is his fault.

She is a grown adult woman.

She chose to have an affair. She chose not to block him from making contact. She chose to answer the phone, and speak to him. She is not being manipulated,or preyed upon.

You need to accept this is all on her. He couldn't do anything, without her allowing it.

You need to immediately do the 180, and speak to an attorney. She is way ahead of you. You need to take steps to protect yourself now.

You also need to get a voice activated recorder,and keep it on you at all times. Cheating wives are notorious for filing false dv charges,when they realize they're losing control of their bh...or when they know they will look like the bad guy for the affair ending, so they attempt to paint the narrative that the bh is abusive. Happens all the time. We've seen it here,quite often.

Agreed, I've had an initial chat with an attorney but not sure what filing first will do for me. Like won't it just look like like it was MY idea to split?

Same reason I can't really do no contact, or leave our house, because it'll probably hurt me later in custody hearings etc.

Never thought I'd be here

As with all free legal advice you receive on the internet, check with your lawyer. In most jurisdictions it does give you some control over the speed of the process.

Are you keeping OBS apprised of the ongoing contact?

He who files controls the processes. It not only allows you to control the situation more, but it also helps you with self-esteem.

There is nothing that sobers up a wayward more than being served. It brings reality back.