SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Today is our anniversary. She left me a bottle of mezcal and a note saying she will be at a restaurant tonight and I was welcome to join her. I messaged her and let her know I decline. But fuck I’m sad today. It’s like the home we built is evaporating around me, family that I’ve loved as my own is lost, and the future is wildly unclear. And while there is hope and opportunity, today feels like a day to grieve.

Last year I asked the question "How Long Have I Been Married". This year feels more like why the fuck did I ever do that in the first place?

I'm sorry, IH. Sending you wishes for as peaceful a day as possible.

I often think about what would happen if I was offered a do-over knowing what I know now. Wouldn't that be something?

Those red letter days are hard, but they get easier. Grieve today - it is warranted. And put the Mezcal away for another day ;-)
Hang in there - you are actually doing well, all things considered.

Hang in there InkHulk! Grieving the M and all that comes with a D is such a difficult process. But there is peace in between as well. Hoping you have a peaceful rest of your day.

Hey IH

Anniversaries and other special occasions are tough. I’m sorry you’re hurting. There are days I’m in a very dark world myself. I hope you don’t live in that mindset long. I think it’s healthy to allow yourself to feel sadness just don’t live there. May you find peace and joy today in simple things. Do something today to celebrate you. And I agree with BB save the mezcal for another day

I think your very first post on this thread says everything I need to know about you as a husband, a father and a man. It is truly inspiring to come across someone who lives their beliefs. You are one of those rare creatures. Today is a day for you to morn. Your wife as well. I’m sure her note was an attempt to get you to change your mind. Her EI is extremely low it would seem. Or maybe something else. Who knows but the fact is you did your 50% plus at least 10% and she could not do the rest to meet you in the middle. So morn today. Go to sleep tonite and wake up tomorrow and use all the energy you have to finalize your divorce as soon as possible. Because only then does the healing begin. For everyone.

Sorry IH, Anniversaries really suck the first few years. All the damage and destruction caused by such selfish acts. I know that once your path on this journey is clear (D or R), it does get better. You will look back in a year or two and be thankful that you took the journey, and got out of limbo.

Thinking of you InkHulk. Anniversaries and important dates are tough. I'm sorry her instinct in dealing with her own feelings about it was to attempt to manipulate yours (always gotta be the victim right?)

Feel your feelings, they are valid. Be extra kind to yourself today.

Last year I asked the question "How Long Have I Been Married". This year feels more like why the fuck did I ever do that in the first place?

You did everythiing you could to save your family.

Anyway I am sorry you are hurting as you are. You are making the right decision getting yourself out of infidelity, and really this is the only way, God knows you did everything you could to find something else.

Thinking of you InkHulk. Anniversaries and important dates are tough. I'm sorry her instinct in dealing with her own feelings about it was to attempt to manipulate yours (always gotta be the victim right?)

I too am sorry you are struggling.

I don’t know that your wife was trying to manipulate you, I think like someone else said in this thread her emotional intelligence sometimes leads her not to know how to proceed. She still wants the marriage, and she is still hoping you will change your mind. That was a risk for her and shows growth for her in some ways.

That’s not to say you owe a different response. I think what I would celebrate is that you aren’t having the back and forth swings that was causing the spiraling. You sound much less affected by her guesture than you once were. This shows to me that you have continued to take down the walls of codependency. This part is a win no matter what happens next. It will serve you well in this relationship and if there are any others that exist should you divorce.

Those are boundaries. You may still see that as a negative but it’s part of realizing where you end and others begin. It will eventually render you as not being susceptible to manipulation.

I don’t know that your wife was trying to manipulate you

A small fissure has formed between HikingOut and emergent. I can only hope this grows to its full potential!

Thank you all, you are amazingly dependable in needed support.

And just a little mezcal is ok, right?

If she got you mezcal as a gift, I'd assume you have other mezcal on the shelf.

A little mezcal won't hurt, but honestly I'd avoid accepting gifts from her.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 4:13 AM, Wednesday, April 17th]

Sorry to hearcyou are grieving, but it's part of the process.

When people ask me how long I was married, I tell them. It depends...on when I separated, when I filed, or when she started cheating...take your pick.

Hanf in there, it gets better..

A little mezcal won't hurt, but honestly I'd avoid accepting gifts from her.

Well……….. the mezcal is pretty damn good, so………

For as much time as I’ve lived in the gray, it’s probably time to start forming back some clear lines. It’s just weird cause I don’t really know where they "should" be these days. Big ones are clear. The little ones that made me an individual, those seem way more blurry. Plus I’ve had a few drinks tonight (only one mezcal, the rest with friends, I promise).

I'm Mexican-American and never had mezcal. Got to try it now. Stay safe IH.

Hi Ink. Sorry you are experiencing so much pain. I recently re-broke up with my XWW. Our former anniversary would be next month. I was wondering how you handled yours. I am hoping your STXWW didnt try to guilt you after she arrived back from dinner. I know my first anniversary after divorce was filled with melancholy. Almost like I was stuck thinking about all the years that you thought were loved, but really were just a charade. I do not regret having been married to my XWW. She gave me wonderful children. I do feel sadness that she made choices that I have to live with. I spent 20 years with a woman who I thought cherished me as her first choice only to end up finding otherwise. If I had found out when it happened I would have left her. No doubt about that. I cant say I am angry that I wasnt given the choice to decide. My mind just wonders whether I would have been happier learning then versus so many years later.
I hope you found some peace on your anniversary. We here care very much for your wellbeing and would like to be a part of your healing. I am sure we would even be invested in helping your STBX in healing here as well.
Many Prayers to you, your children and to your wife my friend. May you all find the path to the healing you need and deserve.

She still wants the marriage, and she is still hoping you will change your mind.

I agree that this is probably true and, without knowing her, I kind of assume this is what she's doing in her own sort of awkward way. I don't think she's manipulative in an evil genius mastermind sort of way, but more in an anxious-avoidant, passive, can't be direct with her feelings, sort of way. Regardless of her intent however, the effect is manipulative.

I'm not sure what things look like between the two of you at the moment Ink, but she could have come to you and told you how she was feeling (ie. sad, wistful, mourning of the relationship) and asked in a 'no pressure' sort of way, if you'd be willing to join her for dinner to acknowledge the anniversary/grieve the relationship etc. That could lead to a discussion where you might discuss this further and see how she was viewing it and have some potential negotiation or discussion. This, of course, would necessarily involve a level of vulnerability that I assume is outside of her comfort zone - especially if she didn't think you would accept the invitation.

Instead, she avoided a conversation by leaving the note, which meant that not only did she avoid the vulnerability, it left you unable to discuss or negotiate the terms of such a dinner (if it was something you would have considered under any circumstances at all). It put the ball entirely in your court to make the effort or not, to demonstrate the show of vulnerability in the relationship. ("You're welcome to join me" is not the same as "I'd really like it if you were willing to join me...") It's you going to her (again), rather than her coming to you (what I know you had previously been wanting). Perhaps she didn't really think you'd come, but now - having expended the least amount of effort to do so, she gets to tell herself, "Hey, I tried, I made the effort, and he rejected me. She now gets to feel extra entitled to the feelings she is likely already experiencing (sadness, loss, rejection, abandonment), and avoids facing the uncomfortable truth which is that she caused this. First by having the affair (sure), but secondly, by being unwilling/unable to make the bare minimum efforts in R that you needed her to make (when you when you made it pretty clear that you were prepared to stick around and try your hardest if she did so).

She obviously knows you much better than I do, but even I could tell you that what is likely your last anniversary as a married couple would feel heavy, even without this. As such, this feels kind of 'guilt-trippy'. Whether you went or stayed home (I assume she knew you would stay home), it took away your ability to lick your own wounds and wallow in your own grief and self-pity.

So yeah, I don't necessarily attach sinister motives to her, and maybe it was an (extraordinary limp) "hail mary" for her. But regardless of her intention, I still see elements of passiveness, assurance seeking, withholding of affection, guilt tripping, and responsibility avoidance - and all of those are problematic and features of (unintentional) emotional manipulation.

A small fissure has formed between HikingOut and emergent. I can only hope this grows to its full potential!

How's that? An anniversary gift maybe? Probably not you were hoping for, but maybe that's fitting given the circumstances?

How are you doing today?

How's that? An anniversary gift maybe? Probably not you were hoping for, but maybe that's fitting given the circumstances?

Hopefully HikingOut takes the bait. I’d take that over the (delicious) mezcal.

How are you doing today?

I’m alright today. I’m taking some time off work to work on the house. Getting a good price in selling it is going to be important to both of our financial futures, so I’m throwing my back into that. The manual labor and the satisfaction of actually seeing progress usually does me well. But it’s still hard. I fear getting isolated. I have family and friends, but her family is local and we’ve spent a lot of time with them. Getting cut out of that is going to be a big hole in my life. And I think with the rose colored glasses off, on the ground and stomped on, I wonder who it is that I married. I know there were beautiful parts of our marriage, but today it all, all, feels like a waste, kids excluded. Does that pass, or is there going to be a 20 year hole in the prime of my life from now on?

[This message edited by InkHulk at 9:29 PM, Wednesday, April 17th]

We here care very much for your wellbeing and would like to be a part of your healing.

And that means a great deal to me.

I am sure we would even be invested in helping your STBX in healing here as well.

I believe you all would, and I wish she would let you, or anyone. But that would require honesty, accountability, and vulnerability, traits she doesn’t score really high on.

Hopefully HikingOut takes the bait. I’d take that over the (delicious) mezcal

.

While I can only imagine what a group of us and mezcal could cause, I will say unfortunately still no fight. I liked and closely agree with emergent’s deeper explanation.

I recently read up again on attachment styles (it’s been some time since I thought about them too much and I have to say that an avoidant and anxious together is a hard combo.

I have come to decide in my own marriage that each of us are better at some things than others. Without the infidelity, i think her efforts would have probably been acceptable. Likely she wouldn’t have left a note in that situation either. That’s why I still don’t see it as manipulative exactly but I can see what emergent is saying.

I think in this case the only difference is I have been on the ws end and I can give her props for the bravery what she did took. What seems simple for a lot of people can be a big effort for others.

Again, that’s not to say your response or how you feel isn’t completely valid or right for you. I understand that a lot has happened and it would take earth moving guestures to show enough change for you to be comfortable and even then sometimes it’s just too late.

The good news is this is what individual healing looks like. You aren’t sacrificing your vision of what you want a marriage to be and that is a really healthy place to be even if there is a lot of sucky things to come.